I tried my best to show you that you are worth it, you push me away saying no more effort should be invested.
You broke my heart by pushing me away but love me the same way
You give me care and love, support and companion, you show me what love should be like
You told me that I'm worth it, you show me that love is supposed to be easy
You show me that people can live the way they want if they actually want to; but you also show me that we are not allowed to love as much as we are because we will end up not being able to stay and hurt ourselves and let our heart break into pieces.
I gave you my heart thinking you can protect it wholeheartedly, you think it's too heavy to hold on to it and it's easier to put it down whole I'm still able to support myself.
You said you want to take care of me, but at the same time you want me to stay away from you.
You hug me, kiss me and hold me right, you treat me well and let me think I'm the princess and I deserve it.
I want all of you but I don't deserve any of you.
You rather see me crying and hurting than to give me a chance of proofing that I'm able to do what it takes to show you that you're worth it.

I Love you with everything that I could give, but at the same time I have nothing else to give but myself...

But I've done trying what I could. If you want me in your life again you would come find me but until then, you continue to treat me like I don't exist, because I'm not worth your time.

3 years ago when I first started university, there were not much things going on in life. Usual life routine were simple, such as spending time with family and friends by going out for meals, movies or simply spending time together. It doesn't have to be an expensive meal or a fancy environment because any activities that you spent with love ones are great. As a full time student in the first year of university, I only had to attend 12 hours of classes per week to learn content that doesn't involve much complexity. There were not much things to worry about such as money, career or dreams. Things were simple. Life was easier.

A year later I decided that it was time to have some changes in life. I guess it is not a good thing to have same kind of lifestyle for too long as it does make people lazier and tend to stay in their own comfort zone. It is acceptable if you are in your 50s or 60s near the age of retirement and life is simply about having fun and working to have some extra money. However it is usually not the same if you are in your early 20s as some said that it is the "most important decade of your life". People believe that young adult needs to be able to think critically, converse and act smartly, dress presentably and not spend your time on things that are less important at that stage of life if it is irrelevant to what you plan to do or become in the future. This is the way of thinking that we were always brought up by. When some of us do things differently, they became the odd one out.
To be a better individual, I decided to transfer my studies to Melbourne, Australia, to study in the top university in Australia to see what's the popularity was about. Turns out, things were actually really different.

First of all, moving out of home was not easy and I was moving out of the country where I had been living in for the past 20 years. However, I do get more freedom in life to choose what I want to do on a daily basis, rather than having someone to ask me where I'm going, who I'm going out with or when will I come home. University life have also been pretty interesting, There can be moments where I am so grateful of everything I have in life but there are also times when I just hate my life so much that I wish I can die once I walk out of the apartment. There was one time when I heard a phrase that says "if you also always happy, then you can't actually feel happy because you never know what happiness is if you don't experience sadness in life". Everyone has their down time and it needs to be appreciated so that when life is good you know they actually are. I tried to do what I'm supposed to do as a student, I try to meet people through events, join some clubs and societies, work as a part time waiter and try to find some happiness in between. I guess I'm not doing too bad myself? Why do I still feel that I'm not doing enough as compared to the rest of the people in university?

Question is, what exactly is the right thing to do? We live in the society where people tend to show to the outside world that they have it all figured out. For a student, they do well in their studies, involve in 3 other clubs and societies and also have a part time job. For a working adult, they have a fulfilling jobs that are able to pay their rent, mortgages and also afford to dine at expensive restaurant everyday after work. Everyone seems to be doing well in their lives and that's also the part of them that we see on social media every single day. When you go on Instagram, we always see pictures of someone wearing all branded clothing standing in front of a tourist attraction all around the world or someone holding a cup of coffee with the background of their BMW steering wheel and Rolex watches. It seems like social media has quickly became the platform where people show off great thing that they own in life or they experience to their friends or strangers. When you go on Twitter where people write posts in word, it then involves much more feelings and thoughts that are not normally expressed through visual social media like Instagram. Everyone has different side of them that we are able to find out through social media, even though you don't actually know them well in person.

Well here I am judging people based on that, when I am actually not much different to them.
I wish life is simpler.

Week 8/ Week 12

Dear Friend,

Can I actually check who read my posts? Curious.

Hey, so it's week 8 and today is supposed to be the last day of my mid semester break. It's one of those moments when time flies and you only just realized that you have NO MORE HOLIDAYS. Oh well, I did choose to go for a 4 days trip myself so I just have to live with it. I guess right now let me just share some stories about the trip and hopefully one day I can read this post again and it will help to cheer me up.

Picture time!

We started our trip at Hobart, Tasmania where we collected our white Toyota Corolla Hatch from Hobart airport to begin our journey. This is one of the first few significant stop, Mount Wellington where we drove all the way to the top of the hill and this is how the view looks like.

Fun fact: I knock my nose on the metal stand when I was trying to climb up to this viewing deck. So I took 10 seconds to check to make sure that my nose wasn't bleeding and didn't broke it accidentally, then I proceeded to take this photo HAHA.

                      I did have a piece of paper under my butt just for this photo. Insta-worthy ey?

  Loving this photo!<3 p="">

   And the 3 other girls that I traveled with :)

Port Arthur Historic Site

We also stopped by Ross (a small town for one night before we drove to Launceston, Tasmania. 

These are the famous vanilla slices and it actually taste great!

Although this is one normal egg and smoked salmon on toast, but it is the only decent meal we had for the 4 days trip because every town that we drove by are so dodgy and we couldn't find any food on our way. Since most destination is 1-2 hours apart, we spent most of our time in the car. Without having the time to stop for long and we couldn't actually find any restaurants on our way, we had a lot of snacks and bread. :(

Launceston city- This is one straight downhill road so you can basically see the city just from there. BEAUTIFUL. (haven't actually been to anywhere else that has similar view)

Cataract Gorge, Launceston to experience the chairlift. Although the speed was sooooo slow, but I definitely enjoyed it hehehehe. 

Alexander Suspension Bridge for us to do all the "emo" pose. 

Oh well I think that's it! Too many good photos so I really need to prioritize.

Speaking of priority, I need to continue with my assignment. It is a group assignment but everyone is having the time of their life and enjoy this holiday.
Time to get back to reality.
Am I holding myself back? Do I stop myself from doing something that I really want to do? What if it's just because I don't have the courage to admit that I am so afraid of failure that I can't have anyone whom I care about disappointed at me.
He started this conversation with me but I simply don't have the courage to just admit that I am incapable.
Alright got to go.

Cheers,
Lyn

           Finished 3 exams in the past few days, realised that I might not have done well for my Investment papers. 

Was thinking what do I do with it if I actually do fail it, how it is going to affect my plans on what I plan to for the rest of the years and how likely I would have to incur so much more expenses for no reason at all. 

I am really worried about the fact that I need to probably do a winter course or something like that... 

Heyyy. Dear whoever that is reading this.

Well. It's been a hectic semester for me, where everything come and go so quickly that we don't have the time to actually slow it down and take a break :/ So it actually reach to some extend where I got really sad and emotional in the way that I have to do this, I have to do that yet I don't have enough time? I turned down friend's invitation for dinner, I said no to family precious bonding time. I mean I was thinking what was actually happening to me. I was sad, unhappy, depressed, uncertain of why and what for i'm doing this? Is it gonna guarantee me a great future for just studying hard and not enjoying life and bring myself to the limit where I want to give up living like this.

However, things slightly changed today.

I met up with him, one of the person that used to mean the whole world to me. A guy that I really depend on and I can fully trust him with my whole life.
It's been a really really long time since we last talk like this? And it turned out that he is still so rational, he can still teach me so many stuff and give me advice and let me grow.
He said why make your life so difficult? It's once in a lifetime thing and why are you making yourself suffer? I mean you have to work hard but what happens when you try so hard that you are missing so many other great things in your life?

So it occurred to me that I was wrong, and I strongly appreciate that he told me that :) Thank you.


Lyn.

Studies

Dear Friends,

Its 9.30pm of 2 August 2014, after such a long time, I suddenly the urge to write something, even if there's no one out there that read them. I turned 19 this year, and it's a critical period of life for me now, as im studying a-level, i'll go for my degree next year. However, the problem is, what course i'm going to take? I'm currently thinking about going monash university for business courses, but I will still have to pick a major, either in economics, finance and accouting, management, business law, marketing and etc. What if i pick something that i don't like? or what if i don't even like business courses? I mean, i like them as a subject, but business in future? Hell no i guess. I can work for someone, but business of my own? I don't really think so. 

Someone ever told me before, that if you doubt of what to study, choose the path that keep most of the door open. Which mean, choose a course that can guarantee you future or you can possibly get any jobs available with that degree. For me, business administration can do that, but that also means that you are not specialise enough to work as a professional, for example accountant. And there's one thing, i fucking hate accouting, but i take account as one of the a level subject. How am i suppose to score?

I wish, i can be sure of what i want, but i don't even know what i want. I just want to be happy, i guess?

i'm back!!!

Hello~i'm back!!

i guess it's because i'm too free until i remember about this blog~

hmm.. gonna have my cambridge exam this saturday~

i dunno why but, i dun feel nervous AT ALL~ damn.

So, i just revise a little only~ sure die =.=

Going Thailand, Hat Yai next Monday with parents~ just booked flight ticket about 2 days ago~

my daddy decided so suddenly until i dunno how to replace all tuition class that i gonna miss~ haha.

So it's a good or bad thing?

Christmas is coming~ and New Year is going to reach too~

Am i gonna enjoy this two days by watching drama at home?? wondering~

Feel like wanna go somewhere with him.. He ask me almost every year to go out and count down for new year~ but i never dare to go with him~

Scare i guess? As i'm afraid he's not the same as how he was 4 years ago~

And what about kb? If u know me well sure u know who is that~

Well, we dun get very well these days~

i guess it's because of his examination? or it's just an excuse~XD

He's gonna have his own life very soon, which i never thought of to be part of it~

Haven't met the right person? I'm not sure too~

No matter what~ life goes on~

That's it!! byeeee~